Romance, sex, dating and relationships...
WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ENDS
Breakups can be
very painful. It’s normal to have feelings ranging from sadness to
deep depression depending upon how emotionally attached you were to
the relationship. When you are in a relationship, you make yourself
very vulnerable, so a breakup can leave you feeling deeply hurt and
shattered.
The end of a
relationship often comes as a big shock, and there will be moments of
suffering and grief. It is important to remember that a break-up
involves psychological and emotional pain, so it is YOUR MIND you
need to work on the most. Only through acceptance, a lot of inner
work and, ultimately, forgiveness, can you turn your pain into peace.
LIFE AFTER BREAK-UP – Top Tips For Moving On
Tip
1: Accept that it’s over forever – You won't be able to get
rid of the pain unless you face it head on. Accept fully and
completely that the relationship is over for good and that there is
no looking back. If there is even the slightest denial in your mind
or heart, your chances of getting over the breakup are few. By
refusing to accept that things are over, you are only going to suffer
for longer.
Tip 2: Let the tears flow – It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman, sadness leads to tears for all of us. Crying is a very natural thing for us human beings to do. It is also very healing, as it allows your body to release pain and negative energy. You will notice a feeling of lightness after you've allowed yourself to cry. Let go of the need to control your emotions, and have a good cry – you'll feel much better soon!
Tip 3: Get in touch with your grief. One reason why you suffer after a breakup is because of the painful emotions felt in your body. Thoughts become emotions and they are felt in the form of physical sensations like a knot in your stomach or tightening of the chest. Focus your attention on these physical sensations and keep it there until they go away. Deep breathing while you do this will make it even more effective!
Tip 4: Forgive. There is so much power in true forgiveness. It can heal the deepest of wounds. Hate, resentment, anger and spitefulness are the normal emotions to feel after a breakup. But ask yourself if you are really willing to pollute your life with these negative feelings. The only way to ever get completely rid of these unpleasant feelings is to forgive your ex partner AND yourself for everything that happened.
Tip 5: See the bigger picture. You may get angry reading this now, but the saying “everything always happens for the good” is 100% true. That’s why life makes so much more sense when you look at it backwards! As painful as it might have been, you were meant to have this experience to learn from and to help you grow as a human being. Don’t hate anyone for helping you have this experience.
Tip 6: Open yourself to a new relationship – Life is either one beautiful adventure or nothing at all. Live life in this spirit and open yourself to all the experiences it offers. Don’t close your heart to future relationships, but allow yourself to be more loving and open. But remember to apply all the wisdom you have gained from your experience. Love and respect yourself enough to steer away from people and relationships where you don't feel safe, loved and supported.
Tip 2: Let the tears flow – It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman, sadness leads to tears for all of us. Crying is a very natural thing for us human beings to do. It is also very healing, as it allows your body to release pain and negative energy. You will notice a feeling of lightness after you've allowed yourself to cry. Let go of the need to control your emotions, and have a good cry – you'll feel much better soon!
Tip 3: Get in touch with your grief. One reason why you suffer after a breakup is because of the painful emotions felt in your body. Thoughts become emotions and they are felt in the form of physical sensations like a knot in your stomach or tightening of the chest. Focus your attention on these physical sensations and keep it there until they go away. Deep breathing while you do this will make it even more effective!
Tip 4: Forgive. There is so much power in true forgiveness. It can heal the deepest of wounds. Hate, resentment, anger and spitefulness are the normal emotions to feel after a breakup. But ask yourself if you are really willing to pollute your life with these negative feelings. The only way to ever get completely rid of these unpleasant feelings is to forgive your ex partner AND yourself for everything that happened.
Tip 5: See the bigger picture. You may get angry reading this now, but the saying “everything always happens for the good” is 100% true. That’s why life makes so much more sense when you look at it backwards! As painful as it might have been, you were meant to have this experience to learn from and to help you grow as a human being. Don’t hate anyone for helping you have this experience.
Tip 6: Open yourself to a new relationship – Life is either one beautiful adventure or nothing at all. Live life in this spirit and open yourself to all the experiences it offers. Don’t close your heart to future relationships, but allow yourself to be more loving and open. But remember to apply all the wisdom you have gained from your experience. Love and respect yourself enough to steer away from people and relationships where you don't feel safe, loved and supported.
BREAK-UPS –
SOME THOUGHTS
Getting
over a painful breakup will take time and there will be moments where
you might feel very sad, alone and unsupported. In order to turn your
pain into peace, you need to practice acceptance, self-inquiry and
forgiveness.
Growth
is always painful. But living through this experience will add a
depth to your heart and you will come out a better and wiser person,
with more compassion for others and more understanding for future
relationships.
HEALING THE BROKEN HEART – A POST BREAK-UP EXERCISE
After
the initial burst of emotions, there will come a sense of calm. This
is the time to think very honestly and clearly about yourself, your
ex and your relationship. Doing this will help you recognise some
important things, and help ensure that you don’t go through the
same suffering again.
Ask
yourself these two questions, and WRITE DOWN THE ANSWERS ON PAPER. It
is important that you actually write your answers down!
* Can I be really sure that this break-up is a bad thing for me
* Can I think of at least 5 good reasons why this breakup is a good thing?
* Can I be really sure that this break-up is a bad thing for me
* Can I think of at least 5 good reasons why this breakup is a good thing?
You will be
amazed at sense of relief and peace you will feel if you work through
the above questions with an open heart. Be sure to write out 5
reasons even if you find it difficult to come up with even one at
first. Self inquiry is the best way to get over a breakup, because it
eats through all our misplaced thoughts that cause suffering.
LIFE-LINES FOR A BROKEN HEART
Immediately after a breakup, we can
feel very alone and vulnerable. Now is the time to reach out to close
friends and family, and ask for their support. Don't be shy to do
this, people who really care about you will gladly help and support
you with their time, advice and company.
After a break-up, you want to pamper
yourself a bit. Take a long walk in a park, watch a sunrise, go see a
good movie, or spoil yourself with a new book, some great music, a
big chocolate or some delicious, home-made comfort food. Now is not
the time to beat yourself up, but to give yourself some extra love!
Is there a hobby or activity that
you've always wanted to try, but never had the time for while you
were in a relationship? Now is the time to do it! It will inspire and
energise you, and take your mind off your troubles. Whether it's
painting, singing, gardening, social or charity work – a new
interest will boost your self-confidence and add instant meaning and
joy to your life!
Remember that getting over a break-up
will take some time. And time is your friend. Allow yourself the time
to work through the different stages of break-up emotions (shock,
grief, mourning, acceptance and forgiveness). Know that even though
it's a bit of a cliché, time truly is the greatest healer of them
all.
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
- Carl Jung
Relationships...
As human beings - and social creatures - relationships, especially the romantic sort, seem to be something we simply cannot go without. And as happy and elated as a positive relationship can make us feel - when things go awry in a relationship, it can also make us feel downright miserable.
The search for a partner which is "right" for you is an ongoing process, and sometimes it can feel like the "right" person might elude you forever.
Luckily, there is much wisdom and knowledge to be gained from this process of looking for the "right"partner. And this knowledge is not only knowledge gained about the other person - in testing the relationship waters we have the opportunity to learn a lot about ourselves too!
“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
A lot of people seem to think that if they met "The One", everything in their lives would miraculously change and become perfect overnight. That they will somehow be saved, adored forever and carried off into the sunset to live happily ever after in some magical wonderland.
This is a common fantasy, although not that many people might admit to it. The reality is that relationships are often hard work, requiring great amounts of patience, tolerance, understanding and forgiveness.
Entering into a relationship with someone also asks of us to look at ourselves with great honesty, to swallow our pride and admit to the areas we need to "work" on ourselves, and then actually starting the work of processing our past hurts and implementing the necessary changes in order to become a more complete, self-aware person and a better partner for our mates.
The Most Important Relationship
The most important relationship you'll ever have, is the one with yourself.
How you view and feel about yourself, whether you accept yourself, are at peace with who you are and what you look like, will impact greatly on all your relationships, romantic or otherwise.
The relationship you have with yourself is the only one that will last a lifetime, so it is definitely worth putting in the work - even though it may be daunting and painful (as all growth is) at times.
Once you arrive at a point where you have made peace with and forgiven yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings, once you have come to truly love and accept yourself, you will naturally start attracting positive partners and healthy relationships into your life.
The journey towards truly loving oneself is not always easy, but the returns are great and the results are most definitely worth it!
Some great self-love and relationship quotes
“The most adventurous journey to embark on; is the journey to yourself,
the most exciting thing to discover; is who you really are, the most
treasured pieces that you can find; are all the pieces of you, the most
special portrait you can recognize; is the portrait of your soul.”
C. Joybell C.
“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight.
But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if
you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you.
Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your
combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings
to hinge together.”
Lisa Kleypas, The Blue-Eyed Devil
“To the people who love you, you are beautiful already. This is not
because they’re blind to your shortcomings but because they so clearly
see your soul. Your shortcomings then dim by comparison. The people
who care about you are willing to let you be imperfect and beautiful,
too."
Victoria Moran
“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete
us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find
that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with
somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until
we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we,
each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can
provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves
dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we
enter.”
Tom Robbins
“Don’t sacrifice yourself too much, because if you sacrifice too much
there’s nothing else you can give and nobody will care for you.”
Karl Lagerfeld
Read more about
The Eden Project: In Search Of The Magical Other
by James Hollis PhD
"This book helps to understand what goes on in the human condition and
that magical state called "in love" when we experience the beloved. It
is a wonderful exposition of the jungian phychological view of our
deepest emotions; how they occur, what is their nature, how they lead us
into pain, and the path of self discovery.
The myth that a "magical
other" will give us comfort from this world, love us eternally, satisfy
our deepest yearnings is dissected and forcefully exposed. In its
place Hollis gives us the freedom of self sustenance, the discovery of
solitude and hope for conscious mature relationships that are based on
companionship, trust, vulnerability, understanding and our sexuality."
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